Life Spins out of Control

Haven't posted in some time.  Had a bad fall off the new deck end of June and postponed the stomach surgery to August 30; all went well.  It's been a tough six weeks made even more difficult because my Cousin Susu has been diagnosed with lung cancer and my best friend, Pagnol, has died last Tuesday.

We knew Susu had cancer in one lung but the biopsy in the other lung came back negative.  I spent almost a week in Houston with her as we went to various appointments and tests at M.D. Anderson.  The lung doctor told us he thinks the negative lung is actually positive and we got a false negative.  There will be another biopsy tomorrow.  I will go to Beaumont next week.

Tuesday,  was a horrible day.  My little dog, Pagnol, had gotten quite old (he would have been 16 in February) and a couple of weeks ago he was diagnosed with an enlarged heart.  The Vet said to "be prepared".  She put him on two kinds of diuretics to get the fluid off his heart but he just went into such a fast decline.  I guess I thought I could patch him up and keep him forever but the body wears out.  He was almost completely blind from an auto-immune eye condition.  He had a few other problems and then the heart disease put him over the edge.

Tuesday, I tried to walk him.  It was so difficult to get him down the stairs and when I tried to walk him he just stood there and looked at me as if to say, "what am I supposed to do".   I got him back up the stairs and dissolved in tears.

I knew what I had to do but the reality of it made me so sad I would have rather gone to the Vet and be put so sleep myself.  This, however, would not have helped Pagnol one iota.

I gave him chicken breast for breakfast.  Then I gave him two of his favorite treats that look like T-bone steaks.  I called the Vet and made an appointment for 2PM.  I thought I could summon the courage to go with him and be there but in the end my son told me he would take him and I should stay home.  I am a coward.

Now, I can understand that perhaps I should have made this decision earlier but how can you know what to do unless you are faced with the inevitable.

Lost my best friend and constant companion.  Lost another important thread in the fabric of the family life Michel and I established together.  Michel actually chose Pagnol at the Humane Society.  I was less than enthused but we took him out into a little garden and sat with him.  I was in a lawn chair and Pagnol went behind my chair, leaned up against my back, and let out this huge sigh of relief, as if to say, "with you I feel safe at last".  I could not resist him.

We had a lot of fun the three of us.  We went to the beach almost every day.  I adored walking Pagnol and he really enjoyed his walks.

Michel knew I spoiled both him and Pagnol.  I would cook for Pagnol.  He liked best chicken breast (not too spicy) and fettuccine Alfredo.  He relished creamy sauces and he loved cheeses.

So what do I do now the two of the important males of the three important males in my life have gone?  Not sure tune in later............